Lies

Well i was gonna head to sleep after reading Beth’s blog.

I’ve not really slept today but i figured I’d see if she posted some rp she found fun in the forums. I can’t log on Blue Conover account anymore.  It’s locked out.  I’ve tried all my passwords, all the combinations. It’s locked.

I saw Torrid had posted. and silly me I remembered I made an account that I left dormant after I got Cliff to lock me out last time.

Found this post http://www.goreanforums.com/viewtopic.php?f=17&t=8010&p=167471#p167444

Few months back she and I were talking and she kept throung in my face how she finally and only truely submitted to one man.

Guess it wasnt me.

So to all the folks who have been lied to fuck em smile at the world and raise your middle finger and say “FUCK YOU” cause it takes a whole lot less effort.

To those who lie. continually. to others and themselves in the words of Leonidas “May you live forever”

I’m Broken

It’s strange what people sometimes let themselves forget.

I have an affinity to rain, if I could without getting ill I’d probably live in it. It rained tonight and allowed me some time to think. I don’t know what it is about the pattering of water, whether its a slight drizzle or a torrential rain, I think better, clearer.

I’m broken.

Strange to say but I am, that’s how come I can be so happy one moment and yet not. It’s how I can jump into things with two feet that feel right, but then spend weeks of indecisiveness over simple simple things.

Free Companioning Mitra was right. But not for the reasons I chose. I liked her company but I also wanted to hurt people. That was wrong of me and I should have been honest with Mitra. If she reads this I hope that she doesnt get poisoned on it. But its been the right decision, her company is calming and Good for me.

Beth has and is a good thing for my soul. She eases things and makes me feel better about some recent things that have happened.

I miss and always will miss Torrid. But she’s gone, I have to ignore that what took me months to take, her new guy got gifted to him on a silver platter. I have to stop looking at it as a slight on me and what we had was lies. Stop thinking that he is better than me, just different. She’s happy and that’s all that really matters.

I need to stop making and breaking plans. I have some awesome plans, but I don’t push them through.

I need to decide if I want back onto the forums. I successfully locked myself out. I have no access to the forums its funny, no one noticed my passing no one cares. Maybe its only been a couple of weeks and people havent noticed. Maybe the truth is that no one gives a shit.

And I have to accept that. I’m not what I was, hell I know im not. I used to have “friends” everywhere. If I said I was looking for a homestone people would jump to recruit me. Now im just… Like uncle albert from Only Fools and Horses. All stories from yesterday, mostly a joke.

I came third in Ko-ro-ba Yearly Tournament. I fought well and beat some of the best, I should have placed at least second, I messed up but thats cool. 2 years ago that would have been pressed with respect and acclaim. Now, no one really cares. The influx of the black clads and the influx of Rp only players has killed the community spirit in sl gor.

I used to read on the forums over and over again that people didnt like going ooc cause it ruined the fantasy of gor. I remember when the weekly ooc event parties were huge. Everyone had fun. People became people to other people and bonds formed. Communities Formed.

Now the communities seem dead. There is no really comradaerieship between red caste in cities that I see. People leave homestones as easy as ripping a sheet of paper apart.

All that seems to be left is small clicks of people, and a migrating population of the “better” roleplayers. Moving on to the new best homestone as they grow bored or stale in their own roleplay. First it was Ti, then the woods, then Telnus, hell even Obscure Reality, now who knows. I am and never will be apart of the in crowd.

Well what I need to do is now either go through with my plans for a grandoise roleplay. Or let it die. If I decide to go through with it I need to really kick my ass into gear.

I need to start focusing a little more on Mitra and Beth.

I need to find a home.

I need to fix myself.

I need to find myself….

Why Do Women Lie?

Why do women lie?

why do they feel the need to be dishonest with me tell me something that they “feel” i want to hear instead of just telling me the truth?

It’s funny how women kick you in the balls lie to you, then complain when YOU can’t fix the problems they’ve created.

Larger Picture

Why do people not look at the whole picture?

Or choose to ignore bits because of what ever reason. Torrid ignored her total freak out she did on me after being collared, and that made it difficult to tell her about Dear. I told her. ME but because it wasn’t to HER time table. I’m a liar, I didn’t tell her blah fricken Blah. Life is NOT black and white.

Women are rather LARGELY HIGHLY EMOTIONAL making it a million times more difficult to talk to them. They sit there and tell you to talk to them, but if you do talk to them, they throw it back in your face in arguments, they let it fester inside them till they pick a fight over something that would normally mean nothing, because they need to fight about what you’ve said.

 

Dear, She said she understood that at the moment she can’t be mine in SL. Every time I spend time with her in SL, time just goes poof, I make excuses to not go to sleep. Hell we have arguments, I phone her to sort it out before I sleep, and I stay up till 4 / 5 am with her. I risk my job, how’s that a good plan in visiting her next year?

 

Now she doesn’t understand because I’ve collared two girls in sl. She makes things that I’ve done seem meaningless. I had a necklace custom made one of a kind made just for her. She was overjoyed. Now, Oh yeah it means something but it doesn’t really mean anything cause it’s not a collar doesn’t have your name on it. It’s “secretive” why’s it secretive? Because it’s not a collar with my name on. She complains that I sit in SL quietly sometimes with her, just relaxing enjoying her company as I dance on the forums, watch tv, and that’s all I’ve been doing for weeks. No rp. She says she’s enjoyed her RP but, she’d have done absolutely NONE of it if she was mine in sl.

 

I know hanze hurt her. But im not hanze. My understanding of her being hurt only goes so far before I start thinking, wait a minute this ASSHOLE got so much trust for a long time and I’m getting absolutely NONE.

My memory is a total mess as well, I distinctly remember adding Dear to my profile, and when I went to point that out to her she wasn’t there, I’d imagined it. I’m slipping again feel like I’m losing my mind again.

 

She now makes out that I’ve been after Beth for a long time. I only started talking to Beth a few weeks ago because of my problems at work, she and her friend got me to wanting to rp again, because of their… Sheer innocence they were showing with regards to rp.

 

But, I don’t want Dear hurting. But, I’m not going to let her control my life because of her fears. I trust she is mine. Maybe she just doesn’t trust that, if she doesn’t.. Maybe I shouldn’t? maybe that’s the problem. She really isn’t mine, she is just using me while looking for someone else. That’s why she is afraid I’m going to do it. Because she is?

 

She puts more value on what goes on in sl it seems. Interesting when its worked so well in both our pasts. She’s an awesome girl, and I’m proud to call her mine. But sometimes I wish she’d step back and look at the whole picture between us. And NOT ignored parts, because she wants to be mine in SL, letting that desire bring up larger fears, and slowly let it destroy us both.

Standing Firm

People ask me why I will stand firm and not back down as often as I should in their opinion do so. Well I think in the end it boils down to my life,  Where I didnt stand firm too often I reaped more and more problems till I learned not to back down.

 

In some arguements this may sound silly, for example in the eternal debate of CTB (Closer to Book) and Gor Evolved. Well every path to hell didnt start with a jump, it started with a small step.

 

I’ve seen Gor evolved evolve from Closer to the books, because people didnt stand up. Because people just shrugged their shoulders and said “we are here to have fun” now the genie is out the bottle and people can’t get him back in.

I once likened this to the situation before World War II the point was before World War II started, countries tried to appease Germany, they accepted that they were “just solidifying their borders” allowed them to to slowly build up their armies and invade other areas.  Politicians didnt want a costly war after losing so many men in the first world war, So they tried to debate, they ignored the warning signs, and carried on listening to words and buried their heads in the sand, untill finally a line in the sand was drawn. Poland. Germany was told invade this place we will attack.

 

The eternal what if’s of yesterday say, what if we had stopped germany sooner, what if we hadn’t relied on politics, and drew the line in the sand earlier, would so many lives have been lost? would the war had lasted so long?

 

We may never know. what we do know is that the world kept takin a step back and the bully kept stalking. Was only when the line in the sand had been drawn and it was defended did anything change.

 

brings me to one of my favourite sayings, “Better to light a candle than complain about the darkness”

It means that rather than complain about a problem, why not seek to solve it.  Maybe the situation will never change. Maybe Gor will dwindle away with each person who grows bored of the pew pew bdsm forced sex capture that most gor sims are, leaves. Maybe one day I will stand alone pushing back the tide with my leaky bucket.

 

But at least i am doing something. ya know? i can stand and say “i am trying instead of just complaining”

Domination, Bdsm / GOR / Life

I read a converstation on the different styles of dominance.

Got me thinking. I’ve never considered my self a Gor Lifer, though alot of the ideas / theories do make me nod with agreement. Alot of what is shown / I’ve read on bdsm dominants, doesnt interest me, some in a mild voyeristic way i enjoy.

 

Thats one reason i enjoy the idea of Gor slavery, I dont have to be all GRRR rawrrr dom 24/7. A Slave accepts she is owned, whether she is submissive or not.

So what is my style of domination?

 

Well thinking this question over I Thought of when i used to walk my grandparents Dog.

Now I used to walk him everyday when i stayed with my grandparents.  At first he’d like to run and I was forced to run with him to hold on, then i learned to give the lead a small yank to let him know he couldnt run yet.

Then when i felt like running i would, and he would run to. Then they got him one of those leads taht extends and retracts at a push of a button. I’d let him run sometimes, othertimes he’d be dragged back.

 

Slowly he learned my mood, would run with me when i wanted, and held himself back when i didnt.

Now this is almost how i am with slaves in general. I let some things slide sometimes Just because it amuses me to watch them run and jump and play, other times they get yanked back.  In the end everyman is different.

 

but i just thought it was a humorus thing that basically.. I do treate slaves as animals, similar to a four legged friend.

Woo

So, two nights ago i didnt sleep but for an hour because torrid  annoyed me. I sat and played warrock while talking to dear every so often, both actions kept me grounded.

 

Yesterday I went out with my mum for dinner,  and she asked who i was messaging / checking messages for. Now i was on yahoo chatting  too Dear and couple others, but I told my mum about the plans im looking to do.

 

Today looks like dear wants to run. she wants a big public announcement on the forums and sl.

I told her i couldnt keep her in sl because I really don’t want to lose my job. The last time i felt remotely this close to the connection that seemed to ignite between us was Lani.  and boy did i screw myself up. Not sleeping at all for days so i could work and spend time with her.  Ditching real life commitments so i could spend more time.

 

Now. Dear is pissed i stayed up all night because ic ompeted in a tournament. She’s also pissed really in the lack of online public displays of us.

 

Torrid’s pissed that she isnt the reason i wont collar dear in sl.

Today’s my birthday which is a fucking pile of shit anyways. Now i have to explain to my mum who gave me a 30min lecture on not trusting online stuff too much, that she looks to be right and I’m not now travelling to texas.

 

Any tips?

My back hurts my shoulders ache my knees hurt. I’ve had two ibrophen two co-codimol’s o_O  Teach me to rely on pain killers when i was younger huh?

I’m stuck in a logic loop.

Dear wants public pushing of us.

Dear wants / Needs to be mastered and know she can’t manipulate said guy.

Dear pissed  at lack of public us.

Dear Will likely tell me to get lost soon if she doesnt get her way.

Begin loop

Part of me wants to scream from the rooftops why i dont.

Telling the “public” about my life always always always has ended up in disaeaster, be it  (see previous blog posts) the person i like gets mentally abused. teased.  Or life comes to a screeching crunching car wreck, killing the relationship.

If I do Dear might start thinking she can manipulate me by throwing a tempertantrum

Do not do public displays may lose Dear….

I dont want to lose dear.

End loop

 

Someone just shoot me now.  please?

the other shoew dropped

Well the other shoe dropped.

Dear is pissed because she thinks I dont really want her im hiding her .

I havent told her not to tell anymore I havent told her hide away. She chooses to.

Some might ask why i havent screamed to the mountaintops.

1) any time i do shit happens

2) the mountain usually crashes down on top of me.

So she sent me an email i cant access yet.  I wonder if I now need to cancel the plans to meet with her next year.

-sighs-  Happy Birthday Blue.

That Feeling

I met a girl.

and its been like a bushfire with her. Things running so fast never really knowing or able to define things.

She asked would i collar her in sl. I said no because of the time differences. She doesnt believe me.

 

Torrid submitted to me. Really didnt expect it, and i’ve been handling her with soft gloves ebcasue she keeps telling me how scared afraid freaked out she is.

 

I tell torrid about girl. Girl sends Torrid a letter.

 

Now the girl seems to have gone away to hide.

 

Torrid is bouncing me between hell and  highwater.

 

I’ve had an awesome couple weeks, long long time since i was this happy.

Now i feel the other shoe dropping and crushing me.

 

Tomorrow is my birthday.  Every year on my birthday since that year I lost my friend.. I’ve woken up in pain. I always set my alarm an extra 30mins early so i can motivate myself to get up. It hurts. My knees hurt, my back aches, my shoulders ache. I stand and look in the mirror. slowly forgetting the pain. and I ask. What have you done this year Blue.

Well. I met torrid. and she has made my life amazing. I lost my Virginity. I pretty much lost contact with my younger brother Mark. I went to Paphos and Portugal. I got into more debt. Got into a worser situation with myjob. If i dont lose it this year Well I’ll be suprised.

 

Countless other little triumphs and failures. do my failures, for the first time in years, not outweigh my triumphs. Maybe….  am i looking forward till tomorrow? No. No im not.

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